Strong and stable poodleship

Boris is in the news! What joy! What blustering fol-de-rol does he have for us now?

Well, a lot of the press seem to be going with his choice of words—“mutton-headed old mugwump”—to describe Jeremy Corbyn, which is a shame. This is hardly a prime insult from the man who has referred to Commonwealth citizens—presumably Africans—as “piccaninnies.”

But this is irrelevant, really, just run-of-the mill nonsense from the fluster-haired gobdaw (see! I can do the combination of playground childishness and esoteric vocabulary too!) and really shouldn’t distract from the far, far more important thing he said on the Today programme:

Boris Johnson: I think it would be very difficult if the United States has a proposal to have some sort of action in response to a chemical weapons attack, and if they come to use and ask for our support, whether it is with submarine-based cruise missiles in the Med or whatever it happens to be, as was the case back in 2013, John, in my view, and I know this is also the view of the prime minister, it would be very difficult for us to say no.

John Humphries: But you would have to go to the Commons?

BJ: Er, I think that needs to be tested.

JH: You are not sure about that?

BJ: I think it would be very difficult for us to say no.

JH: So, going to the Commons is an absolutely necessary precondition?

BJ: As I say, I think it would be very difficult for us to say no. How exactly we were able to implement would be for the government and the prime minister to decide. But if the Americans were once again to be forced by the actions of the Assad regime—and, don’t forget, it was Assad who unleashed murder upon his own citizens, weapons that were banned almost 100 years ago—if the Americans choose to act again, and they ask us to help, I think it will be very difficult to say no.

So much for strong leadership! So much for Britain making its own decisions! So much for parliamentary oversight! (Though, given the High Court Article 50 debacle and the proposed authority for ministers to rewrite primary legislation in the “Great Repeal Bill,” I think we know where this government stand on that issue anyway.)

Here we have the Foreign Secretary of the United Kingdom openly stating—and asserting this is the view of the Prime Minister too—that Britain will make war, will kill people, will involve itself in the civil conflict of a sovereign state because we are told to by America. By DONALD FUCKING TRUMP.

This is the reality of Great Global Brexit Britain: isolated, largely friendless in the progressive world; reaching out to sell weapons to a medieval, human rights abusing state and a neo-dictatorship; and waging war on command from the most unhinged and dangerous man to ever inhabit the White House.

Theresa May’s vision does not offer strong and stable leadership; except internally where all opposition will be quashed and saboteurs crushed. But internationally, it offers nothing but fawning obsequiousness to the belligerent, the vile, and the downright crazy.

  1. Yeah. Boris Johnson is Foreign Secretary. Still have to pinch myself over that one.

An awkward conversation

“Hi, this is Recep Tayyip Erdoğan. Could I speak to the Foreign Secretary please?”

“Ah, yes. Ah. That would be me. Boris. Fluster, fluster, affable grunt.”

“Boris Johnson?”

“Um, yes. The very same.”

“Boris Johnson, the journalist who first came to national attention for being sacked from The Times for making up quotes?”

“Yes, well, um, fluster, fluster. These things happen. But I’m very affable, and so let’s just forget about that, shall we? Thoroughly honest chap now.”

“But weren’t you also sacked by Michael Howard for lying about one of your many affairs?”

“Um, well. You know. Matters of sex. Keep it private and all. Not in the public interest.”

“Speaking of sex, didn’t you write a poem about me having sex with a goat?”

“Well, um, you know, defence of freedom of speech and all that.”

“Well you didn’t seem so keen on freedom of speech when you discussed with your friend Darius Guppy—a convicted fraudster and self-confessed ‘potential psychopath’—having a journalist beaten up for taking too close an interest in his dodgy dealings.”

“Ah, well, bluster, bluster, that was all a very long time ago…”

“Ah.” [Long pause.] ”So, do you think that freedom of speech extends to politicians blatantly lying to their voters? Because your fellow Brexit campaigner Penny Maudant repeatedly stated on the Andrew Marr show that there was nothing the UK could do to stop us, Turkey, joining the European Union despite the fact that the Treaty of Europe clearly states that accession to the union must be approved by all member states, and you condoned this and repeated the inference that Turkey’s accession was a certainty.”

“Well, um, I’m sure there’s some explanation which, if I fluster charmingly and affably you’ll think I’ve made when I’ve actually said nothing.”

“I’m afraid I don’t see your charm, Mr Johnson, nor your aff. Perhaps it’s just an English thing. Maybe you could clarify something for me. We’re not in the commonwealth, so I was wondering, do we count as piccaninnies or not?”

“Ah, um. Well. How about if I just flick about my blond hair amusingly?”

“I think we’re probably not, because wasn’t your great grandfather Turkish?”

“Um, well, yes the old boy was now you come to mention it.”

“And didn’t you once make a documentary lauding Turkey’s desire to join the EU?”

“Well now, yes. But, you know. Things change. Um. Realpolitik and all that.”

“You mean you thought you could get to be PM if you hung all your principles, your colleagues, in fact your entire country out to dry?”

“Oh, now, I say …”

“I don’t think I want to talk to you any more, Mr Johnson. I think you’re dishonest, dishonourable, bigotted, and solely interested in your own advancement. I think you’re a really nasty piece of work, in fact. I mean, you’re not in my league, that’s true. But for a British politician, you really are a quite a shite. So. I wanted to negotiate our post-Brexit trade deal. Perhaps you could put me through to Dr Liam Fox, I understand he is the Secretary of State for International Trade.”

“Phew, yes. That’s me off the hook.”

[A pause.]

“Hello?”

“Hello, am I speaking to Dr Liam Fox, Secretary of State for International Trade?”

“Um, well, he’s not available at the moment. This is a highly experienced trade negotiation consultant acting for him.”

“Ah. Could I have your name please?”

“Why, yes. It’s Adam Werrity.”

“Ah. And exactly how long have you been a highly experienced trade negotiation consultant?”

“Oh, since Wednesday.”

[Click.]